So I didn't know what to post for today.. and I remembered that there's nothing better for you than a few chuckles.. this is for my dear friends who are and have been feeling a bit under the weather.. You know I love you all..
'We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh' - Agnes Repplier
Some of you are very far away.. so this is the best I can do...
'Laughter is the closest distance between two people.'-Victor Borge
THE HEADACHE (how appropriate wouldn't you say?)
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself .. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, ''That's what I need... a new suit. That'll make me feel a
little better."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit.'' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit... it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised. "That 's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $10
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
And another.....
SICK LEAVE (hmm.. I detect a theme...)
I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her"...And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!''
Seems the cold weather has been botherin some folks...
Here's a guide to measuring the cold:
Temperature in Fahrenheit (for my American friends)
+60 Californians put on sweaters.
+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
+40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 Italians cars don`t start.
+32 Water freezes.
+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.
+25 Ohio water freezes. Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.
+15 French cars don`t start. Cat insists on sleeping with you.
+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 American cars don`t start.
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 German cars don`t start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don`t start.
-25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going. Wisconsin-Eau Claire students walk rapidly across the footbridge.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don`t start.
-40 Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweater. Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. (bwahahahahahahahaha!!! *snark* and WOOO!!!)
-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.
"Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face." - Victor Hugo
Oh... and shockers to end all shockers.. not a YouTube or Bestaudiocode in sight... Nope.. I'm not coming down with something, I'm fine.. really!
Now.. since the beginning of our little SP adventure the number of e-mails has dramatically increased, over the past few months I have received much valuable information.. I did not write this one, but I sure could have!
A Summary of the 2006 e-mails, with gracious thanks to all my friends....
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL aresending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted myevery wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because I am now aware that it can remove toilet stains. YUKK!!!
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap or Styrofoam plates in the microwave because they cause cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in myface...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS..
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are Actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops OR the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I can only use a purse once - then I must throw it away because it is so germ-contaminated from setting it down in a restroom or in a shopping cart that I or my family could die from some horrible disease that "it" brought home. (thanks Turbaby!)
I can't use the ATM machine because some enterprising thieves have now found a way to "capture" my card with X-ray film.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big Brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for passing along all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything, what cars to buy and how all things were better in the 50's.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I see lying in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex offender waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. (I wonder if he's cute.. nevermind!!)
Oh, don't forget this one either, I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies orfrom certain self-service marts because they are owned and run by "terrorists".
If you don't tell at least 3 people to read this blog in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...Have a beautiful day......and thanks again!
Oh.. tonight I have a parent-teacher meeting with Chicklet's 3rd grade teacher.. report card!!! Who knows, maybe the Chicklet gets a treat tonight.
I love you all more than my luggage!
Hugs, smooches and gropes.
| 
and pride
