I clicked my heels together three times and poof! I'm back!!
Yeah right..
After a 4 hour flight in an uncomfortable seat, listening to an in-flight movie (which by the way was quite moving) but only with one ear because there was a problem with the sound jack on my seat, and a ride home with a cabbie who thought he was in the Daytona 500 (ok.. the Sahara Rally might be more of an accurate simili)... I lumbered into the house, was greeted by two excited dogs, pulled my boots off, and flopped on the bed for a good night's sleep. My neck is sore, my shoulders hurt (man my laptop and all the work documents I had to bring with me for my meetings were heavy) and I have a ton of things to catch up on...
and will..
as soon as I sleep for a week...
I'll be making my blogger rounds soon.. sorry for being away so long.
I do love travelling...
Love you all more than my luggage! Hugs, smooches and gropes!
and not in the good way... A dear and sweet friend sent this to an e-mail group I belong to and it had me in stitches... Given my recent misadventures in air travel, I thought fitting to share this with you before you board and fly our friendly albeit foreign skies...
Thanks to a retired Air Force officer for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable public safety announcement from Alaska Air flight attendants...
"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like 'what the heck?'(Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.)
So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."
Before takeoff...
Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now.
There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be areally bad idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, andsomething I always do.)
We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise.
If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your waydown.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle.To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light.
Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and your money.
If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?
After landing...
Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport.
Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please - don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."
Oh yeah.. and baseball has apparently officially started.. or so they tell me....
I’ve wondered how to do this… hit random on my music player… pull out the CDs that are sitting on the passenger seat of the car as I drive and pick my favourite song on each… How do I pick 7 songs? 7!!! Sheesh.. Ask a mother to pick a favourite child why don’t you…
Here goes… these are 7 songs that I’ve hit repeat on when I listen to them in the car, in my office, as I sit and read my e-mails…
In no particular order(and the styles are different so… maybe there’s something for every one of you dear readers…)
1-Simple Man - Lynyrd Skynyrd
I was going to pick Free Bird for matt-man and his adventures in flight *snarf* but I absolutely love this song… and it’s been on in my car for a week…
Have to make my way south and see them live... yup…
2-Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
Had to… just had to.. I mean.. the guitar GOD.. and well, it makes me feel warm and .. not fuzzy.. I don’t like fuzz, I do my best to remain fuzzless… tingly.. yup.. tingly… *sigh*
3-SuperSexMe - Jonas
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… have nothing to add…
4-Hoochie Coochie Man - Muddy Waters
A souvenir from my trip to B.B. King’s in Memphis…
5- Rock me Baby - Etta James
Erin Mitchell’s version at Workplay in Birmingham had me thinking about Etta.. She’s the voice I most strongly associate with this song. I had to go back and pull my cd out… this is a gem folks..
6- Rocket 88.. (Ike Turner really, but credited to Jackie Brenston)
Thought by many to be the first Rock and Roll song… well according to Sam Phillips of Sun Records(another memory of Memphis)and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
7- Wings of a Dove - Madness
This is one of my Happy Songs.. it also reminds me of carefree days… and matt-man bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Was your flight anything like this dearest?
Actually, this video has serious echos of my flight back from Birmingham.. Part 2 the Journey from Dulles Airport to Montreal… If you can avoid flying through that airport.. DO!
Kudos to the pilot of that flight (I forget his name, I do remember that he was actually quite fetching indeed… but let me say that the crew on that flight was fantastic).. hmmmm he didn’t have a hat with earflaps... or Elvis sunglasses… and he didn’t SPRING from the cockpit (*giggle* I’m in quite the mood at the moment.. sorry) and prance down the aisle… DAMN…
Anywho.. Leave it to yours truly, who actually managed to pack everything I needed for my trip South in a carry-on … I’m an excellent packer by the way.. I even managed to pack 2 extra pairs of shoes (I do have a shoe thing, but then my regular reader knows this) which I ended up not wearing because quite frankly the peek-a-boo pumps would have killed my feet at Workplay… (then again, we would have seen another shoe dance from the Hottie and that was quite the sight to see)… and, since I never made it to the after party in the Red Velvet Lounge, where I was going to wear the lovely black ankle strap heels.. but um.. I ended up snug as a bug in a rug sleeping off the lovely initiation ceremony we had for Bodacious Hoochie… I spent the weekend in boots.
Good lord I just rambled… and it’s not over…
What I was saying was, leave it to me to have adventures in luggage... even though I managed to actually get through this trip without checking any luggage(I do NOT trust ground crews with my luggage.. or the*cue sinister music here*TSA.. whom I partly blame for the delays in my return flight for Birmingham…)
My flight was delayed after they had overbooked the flight(how they actually do this puzzles me – and NO I actually don’t want an explanation thank you very much)and since it was a flight to Canada.. the*cue sinister music here.. again*TSA decided to check all foreign baggage(bastards!)
They finally managed to get the bunch of overbooked extremely vocal annoyed bunch of Montrealers on the plane(if you actually believe the myth that all Canadians are nice polite people.. I have an Olympic Stadium I'd like to sell you),and of course they had a TON of luggage.. they’d been on a cruise. And since they weren't suppposed to be on the flight in the first place... their luggage wasn't on the trolleys to be loaded onto the plane.. and had yet to go through the Security process the*cue sinister music HERE.. once more*TSA has devised.. so.. luggage induced delays even before taking off! I mean you usually end up waiting for you luggage once you get to your final destination only to find out it's in Reikjavic when you're in Ste Lucia...
We watched the ground crew stand there staring at about 5 suitcases on the tarmac scratching their butts and shaking their heads as if they’d actually never seen luggage before that very instant and hadn’t the foggiest idea what to do with said luggage…(Imagine the scene when Neanderthal man discovered a use for leaves when tending to nature calls in the forest.. eureka!)
I mean ACK, the luggage wasn’t on one of those trolley thingies.. I actually think they expected the luggage to walk onto the plane by itself or at least shout up to them“Hey Morons, we’re headed for Montreal, mind loading us on that there plane over yonder?”...but in French. From what I gather, French would have been as foreign to them as English so it wouldn’t have made a difference.
And um.. I saw a very disturbing sight as I sat there waiting for the airline personnel to sort out the overbooked situation. There was a guy, in a tight Superman costume top and black army pants sitting across from me... two guys were talking about him laughing and kept looking over at me smiling because they KNEW I was about to burst out howling in an uncontrollable fit of laughter.. I believe they were betting on how much longer I could hold out …he actually had one of those long Matrix like black trenchcoats with him and I tell you I almost lost it. Unfortunately he was too far from me or I would have used the camera on my phone.. but lordy lordy lordy… so myself, the guy sitting next to me (actual flight crewman) and the two guys headed to Florida were nervously looking at him hoping to GOD he wasn’t on our flights. I’m happy to report he wasn’t on mine… I think he had to take a plane because his cape was in the wash.
What's most disturbing is.. he got through the security checkpoint...
During the Holiday season, there is so much traveling... And LUGGAGE! And I do love luggage... not as much you fine folk… but… I was inspired... Poor Vince had to run through the airport à la O.J. Simpson… Great visual! Sorry sweetie, but it is… really!
So it got me to thinking of the joys of traveling and airports… some jokes, vids, tunes and true stuff… I’m all about variety... sample, enjoy the drinks are on me!
1-Try explaining to a Canadian Customs agent you went to Cleveland for a vacation: “You went to Cleveland?” she asks doubtful… “Yes” I respond, tired and annoyed, it’s late I want to pick up the car and get home. “On vacation?” she says eyeing me like I’m the Beelzebub. “Yes” sigh… “On vacation” I refuse to play Cleveland tourism Board spokeswoman (I handle Charmin exclusively... Charmin, The Official and Proud Sponsor of the Golden Onions) “In Cleveland?” right eyebrow raised (reminds me of a green dude I once knew)… “Yes” What part of Yes doesn’t she understand? “And how often do you travel Madame? Please unpack your bags” ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
2-Post 9-11… Imagine the look on a U.S. Customs official when they find out you are the head of occupational health and safety for a chemical plant… can you say baggage search?
3- The Joys of the security checkpoint:
So where does one apply for this position?
4-They let anyone travel these days.. (I was given a hard time… and yet.. sheesh!)
5-Signs You have a Bad Airplane Pilot
10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?" 9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up 8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet" 7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap 6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!" 5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!" 4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform 3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh" 2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport 1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"
6-Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says,"I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
and pride
