Anndi's Luggage: I bet being a flight attendant can suck...
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Monday, April 02, 2007

I bet being a flight attendant can suck...

and not in the good way...

A dear and sweet friend sent this to an e-mail group I belong to and it had me in stitches... Given my recent misadventures in air travel, I thought fitting to share this with you before you board and fly our friendly albeit foreign skies...

Thanks to a retired Air Force officer for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable public safety announcement from Alaska Air flight attendants...

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like 'what the heck?'(Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.)

So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

Before takeoff...

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco.
If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now.

There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be areally bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, andsomething I always do.)

We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your waydown.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle.To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light.

Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and your money.

If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing...

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport.

Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please - don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

Oh yeah.. and baseball has apparently officially started.. or so they tell me....

Love you all more than my luggage!
Hugs, smooches and gropes!

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Comments on "I bet being a flight attendant can suck..."


Blogger SGT DUB said ... (11:48 AM) : 

It does make a flight better when everyone is having a good day.


Blogger Bond said ... (12:31 PM) : 

I have had announcements similar to that on flights and it has made me look up and pay attention. Having flown so many times, I tend to block out the announcement. As i take my seat i make note of all exits on my own.

The Shift happens and that is funny, but I can imagine that some people would complain about that

The video..well the guy just wanted a closer look at the BEST SPORT IN THE WORLD



Blogger Turnbaby said ... (1:52 PM) : 

You gotta love it. These folks deal with some of the biggest assholes over and over.

Very funny Angelbaby




Blogger Dixiechick said ... (2:01 PM) : 

Did I send this to you? I don't remember... I have the exact same thing on my e-mail...



Blogger Maryfly said ... (3:24 PM) : 

omg, hysterical!


Blogger Anndi said ... (5:14 PM) : 

Sgt Dub

It sure does. Thanks for stopiing by. Stay safe!


Had such an experience on my return from BHam..

It is.. isn't it.. and yes.. there are complainers everywhere.

There was a hockey rink next to the field?



They do.. and that's just the pilots... bwahahahahahahaha!

The Braves?



LOL.. wasn't you.. but you are indeed a very special and sweet (yum) friend indeed!




rub rub


Blogger Travis said ... (8:28 PM) : 

Southwest does goofy safety stuff like that too.

As for the plane coming down - maybe he had a sudden craving for a hot dog and a beer!


Blogger Dana said ... (8:45 PM) : 

Wow, that plane landing was scary!


Blogger Desert Songbird said ... (10:38 PM) : 

Yup, Southwest Airlines is known for this crazy stuff; in fact, when you interview for a flight attendant position, they actually look for the free-spirited, fun-loving type. NO stodgy, uptight flight attendants are wanted on SWA. I know this because my niece has been a SWA flight attendant for almost ten years. She LOVES it. One time she crawled up in the overhead bin and scared the bejeezus out of the passengers!


Blogger JohnH985 said ... (1:48 AM) : 

That was too funny. If I had a flight attendant like that on a flight I would listen to her, usually I just continue to read whatever book I have when they start to talk.


Anonymous Slick said ... (8:36 AM) : 

Too bad I'm too chicken to fly. Well, going to in May, maybe an attendant will make my flight entertaining enough anyway.

Seen that movie clip before....unbelievable!


Blogger Matt-Man said ... (8:39 AM) : 

Flight Attendents have so much patience. I would be fired in a day or two if I had to deal with some of the folks I just flew to DC with.


Blogger Sanni said ... (10:34 AM) : 

HA! Way too funny, esp. the smoking area-part: Gone With The Wind =)

Thanks for the good laugh!


Blogger Angell said ... (11:17 AM) : 

ROTFLMOO - that's hysterical. It sounds like it came directly out of a John Cleese film or something.

And the Jays opened their season against Detroit IN Detroit yesterday. Hubby was pissed that we didn't know sooner so we could have gotten tickets.


Blogger Tisha! said ... (2:53 AM) : 

fantastic...I need some humor when I'm flying makes me uneasy ma chere!

GROS bisous!


Blogger Mimi Lenox said ... (5:39 PM) : 

Thanks. That was hysterical.
I'm catching a flight tomorrow to spend 10 days with you-know-who. I'll keep this in mind. I've been sick with food poisoning all day! I need to get better and get better fast. This made me laugh.

I haven't even packed.
Just whining through the blogosphere. Thanks for listening.


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