A quest...

Hello again, Remember me? I think I'm the one who usually posts here... I've been trying to figure out what to do with a lot of things lately, this blog for one of them... Maybe I'll keep it going, we'll see. I'll try and update things, visit my blogosphere friends more regularly, eat more broccoli and drink my 8 glasses of water a day... (did the year end already? what's with the resolutions?) I took some time for myself this weekend and packed my luggage for an overnight trip, a possibly momentous overnight trip. Next time I do this I'll have to remember to bring a map and those glowstick thingies (it got dark on my way - a LOT of rain fell and I thought I was driving through a carwash for a while). I entered into this journey wondering: if I run into that tunnel of discovery, will I get hit by a train or something like Wile E. Coyote, Supergenious? Or am I the Road Runner (meep-meep) and I might actually find that light they say is supposed to be there (or at the very least a bowl of Acme birdseed)... It's one thing to go looking for something, but then you have to figure out what to do with it when you get your hands on it (dirty minds out of the gutter please... yes Turnbaby and Dixie.. that means you! LOL). It's like, when you're hungry (I mean it, out of the gutter right now!). You open the pantry, pull stuff out... You open the fridge... pull stuff out. But you don't actually have a recipe and you just have to wing it depending on the ingredients you pulled out. Just put one ingredient different and instead of a chocolate soufflé, you end up with borscht. Okay.. more than one ingredient, and it's a totally different dish (and for all the borscht-loving folks who may read this, I'm not putting it down... so no nasty ''how could you it's nutritious and delicious'' e-mails or comments please). You get my point! Look, I drove for a long time, AND, I haven't done the blog thingy in a while.. I'm rusty (maybe it's all that friggin rain I hit... both ways)! So, as I was saying before I interrupted myself: I made it back all in one piece. I found light - no, it wasn't a rainbow after the friggin rain! But I kinda feel like I found a pot of gold and there was no leprechaun guarding it.. so it's MINE!! Bwahahahahahaha!! ALL MINE!!! I still have some questions I have to find answers to.. but at least now I know the direction in which I'm going (for a change). I'm going to have my work cut out for me, but the payoff will be worth it. So, now I'm faced with "How-to" questions.. and no... Red Green can't help me. Duct tape does not work for my next project. Ummm...If you don't know who Red Green is... well, watch this (if you do know, you might want to watch, just for a chuckle): Now, I have a serious and possibly life-altering question for you.. let me set the scene if you will. As I was making my way home on Sunday afternoon, I got hungry... figured I'd have a quick bite, stretch my legs (again with the dirty gutter minds.. sheesh). Before ordering something, nature called. I drank a LOT of water on that drive (all that friggin rain made me thirsty, that and I have that nifty mid-year resolution to boot...) and the seat belt was playing a number on my bladder, one akin to the drumline on The Runaround. So, nature called... Nothing surprising it happens to everyone .. stop staring please. Ok. So... I made my way to the little girl's room. Ah Yes! The little girl's room..That wondrous land of mystery to most men, where women lounge amidst bowls of pot-pourri that smells of new and luxurious Italian leather shoes, big screen TV's showing 24 hour "Sex In The City" marathons (I enjoy a much more satisfying version of the girl talk with my sister Hoochies Dixie, Turnbaby, Pia, Mary and Busy) and boxes full of bonbons (there goes the broccoli resolution...). I mean, why else do you think the lines are so long... and that we go in in pairs? You think it's just to tend to 'business'? HA! Actually, gentlemen, we go in in pairs to talk about all y'all and your performance in the boudoir. Liked option number one better?! So... I am hovering (proper women do not sit on public toilet seats, we do not put our purses down on the floor - seriously) as I attempt to TCB when someone enters the stall next to mine. With time, you learn to "go" even when a stranger is next to you but of course you hope they'll "go" at the same time so you can't really tell who's doing what and making which sound (don't look at me like that... I'm perfectly normal... really!) and of course you know should you (God forbid) toot.. it will be melodious, in tune and sparkles will come out your butt (you read right.. SPARKLES!). So... where was I? Oh yeah... Hovering... Now she's talking away as she gets into the stall, and I figure she's having a conversation with the other half of the usually compulsory "pair" ( well colour me happy! I just figured out another reason to go in pairs.. so you can TCB at the same time and it's the whole drowning out of the "sound" thing that happens... ha! I learn something new every day!!). Normally those restrooms are filled with people and you end up waiting in line... but on Sunday, the only other person who had been in there at the same time as I had already left. And I had the whole place to myself (LUXURY!!! Any mom will understand what I mean...) until chatty Cathy came in with her.. wait just one cotton pickin' minute! There was no one else in the bathroom! Just she and I.. no friend followed her in! I did a quick scan for feet under the door... unless her friend could float... AND there was no two way conversation... At this point, there are two options: a) she's crazy and I'm stuck next to her in a confined space with some of my bits exposed, or b) ... no. It can't be!! People don't do THIS??!! Chatty Cathy is ON HER CELL PHONE!?! Whadadadadadadadadadadadadawhat???? ok.... wait.. there's still the chance she may just have ducked out of work because her dark overlord of a boss doesn't allow any private calls and the best excuse she could come up with was having to tinkle... and she just entered a stall looking for a semblance of privacy... BUT NO!!!! I hear tinkling!!!! So here are some questions: What 'business' could be so urgent it has to be concluded while you're TCB??? Can you imagine how germy that cell phone must be??? Think about all the things someone does while handling that phone of theirs before you use someone else's cell... How would YOU feel being on the receiving end of such a call? I mean, they're bound to know! You can control your OWN flushing (unless it's one of those 'self-serve-fully-functional-as-you-hover-it-flushes-for-you-and-you're-not-done' kinda WCs - think they'll come up with one that'll wipe you too?) in your own washroom in the privacy of your own home... but in a public multi-stall restroom??? WTF!!! All I can say is... darn I shoulda tooted... So, I make it quick, do all those things the 'engineers' over at the WC factory haven't figured out how to automate yet and get my completely covered (I checked) unsparkled butt OUT of the stall and over to the row of sinks to wash my hands as skeeved out as I was (well insulted is actually more like it really) I certainly wasn't going to walk out without washing my hands! I'm far too proper a lady (shut up!) to skip that part! Push to start the water (I hate these faucets.. water conservation my non-tootin-unsparkled-patootie!)... quickly run hands under water to get them wet... push soap dispenser thingy to my right.. nada... argh... push soap dispenser thingy to my left... we have suds!... how long am I supposed to do this? I can't believe she's on the PHONE talking about 'can you believe the dress she was wearing?' while hovering!! I bet she isn't even ladylike enough to hover! *snarf*... Oh God! she flushed!!WHILE ON THE PHONE!!! Rut roh.. out she comes.. Well Holy Shazam! She just walked out! I'm going to the vending machine... no way am I eating something from where this chick works... Okay.. so.. here's the life-altering question... What's your pleasure? Sweet or salty? (what a shame there ain't no broccoli in there...) Um.. girls.. the candy is on the RIGHT of the picture! Love you all more than my luggage! Hugs, smooches and gropes!