Resolve

I once said I felt like Wile E. Coyote entering that tunnel in search of the bright light, hoping that what I find is that illustrious sweet thing we all look for, be it Love, Peace, Salvation, relief from a pain in the ass, a juicy bird… hoping against all hope I won’t end up as the hood ornament of a fast moving, obliterating train. I know... trains don’t have hoods. But since figurehead is for ships and I have no clue what the appropriate terminology for a train thingy is (as the locomotive at work had no such adornments) I went for a universally recognizable illustration of my thoughts… (and I haven’t written in a while so cut me some slack wouldya!). I have such a pain in the ass in my life right now, and no matter how hard I try to get rid of it, it seems I can’t. There is no equivalent to tomato juice for the skunk stink (wooo say THAT five times fast) that is this pain (oh, by the way, that doesn’t work). And it seems I will be stuck with it for a while. Now a less gentle and unenlightened former version of myself would have liked (squeeeed at the thought actually) to dissolve said pain in the ass. But I’ve come to realize that if I do, if I succumb to the devil on my shoulder, that wretched waste of carbon wins (well, what would be left of him). Basically, it boils down to this: I have integrity and I will hold true to my commitments and act like a responsible adult (someone has to and it’s clearly not going to be THIS person). If he can’t wrap his two brain cells around the fact that the world is not in a conspiracy against him (really, the world has far better things to do – washing hair, raking fallen leaves, organizing the sock drawer) and that what happens to him is his own doing, then he’ll continue to be a sad hollow unfortunate shell of a human being. He sets himself up for bad things to happen; and then he blames everyone else for his actions… ALWAYS! And I, for one, am not teaching my child THAT. And I won’t be engulfed by it either… my resolve is great and unwavering. It might not be a cake walk (did Travis just perk up?), but then in the last year I’ve been through so much, I’m not about to let anything or anyone stop me now. There are some tremendously good and delicious things going on in my life right now… my Chicklet and I are spending a great deal of time together, I feel loved and appreciated by a wondrous man, I have a spectacular friends and despite the shitstorm, I have HOPE. There are people out there that aren’t just out to use me, use my family. A very kind person sent me an e-mail a short while back and his words gave me comfort when nothing else anyone said could as he’s been through some of the sorrow my father is experiencing. Thank you my friend, hugs go out to you. And thanks for the use of this song. Love you all more than my luggage. Hugs, smooches and gropes!